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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

A Serbian Film

I told myself I wouldn't watch this movie.  Then I told myself I wouldn't review it due to the fact that I never want to relive it.  Then I figured that I've told myself many things in the past and never really listened to myself so what the hell.  I could start this out by saying don't read this, don't watch the movie, and basically don't do anything where you'd have to have anything to do with this movie.  Believe me, I've watched some pretty messed up movies in my life, and none of them really got to me too much.  I kept trying more and more films to see if anything would go over the top.  I'm pissed that I didn't stop earlier.  I've watched Salo, I've sat through Irreversible, and I've stared blankly at Frontiers, but I had to look away from "A Serbian Film" quite a few times.  I guess I should tell you why....

The movies that were just listed try to disgust you, and I have no problems with that.  A Serbian Film shocks you.  Remember those trick shock pens or packs of gum, where you trick someone into pulling a piece of fake gum out and it gives em a little jolt?  The movie is kinda like that, except 100 x more of a jolt.  Ok, I guess I'll get to the plot now....

An ex porn star dude (Milos) gets roped into doing just one more porn, and he's promised that this one will support him and his family forever if he agrees to it.  Reluctantly, he signs the papers, without looking at them, just trusting this really creepy porn guy.  Pretty smart to me.  So he starts this porn pretty much blinded, just doing whatever the director says into his earpiece.  Things go ok for a little while, but then they start getting strange.  A beaten woman sulks into a room as the director tells Milos to fuck her.  Cool, except for the fact that there's a 13 year old in the same room.  He does what he's told or else he may die; the director has quite a few security guards surrounding Milos at all times.  Shit starts to get real after that.  And I guess I'd better tell you what.... (Spoilers: but really, read them, then you won't want to watch)

Milos basically gets drugged by the director, whose into making all types of shitty asshole porn.  When I mean shitty asshole porn, let's just say the director made a porn with newborns.  Fuck that.  Thankfully, Milos basically says that too, but then gets drugged.  Apparently the drug of choice was some horse viagra sex pill or something.  Basically, Milos wants to fuck anything with a hole.  And he does.  While I won't give away the ending, because fuck that even more, I will say shit gets resolved a little, but only after it gets fucked up even more.  Now I'm pissed that I relived that, so I guess I'll finish it up....

Fuck this movie.  Right in the face.  Don't watch it.  I'm pissed I ever did.  .01/100


                            But apparently this is supposed to be a movie about how Serbia got screwed over in a war or something.  Hence all the porn.  Whatever.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

The Loved Ones

I'm not a movie reviewer.  You will find this out after reading a few of these posts.  I do, however, like to write about my thoughts on movies sometimes.  Hey, it's your fault that you're reading this right now anyway, don't you have anything better to do?
       Anyhoo, I just watched a film called The Loved Ones.  It's an Australian film that plays on the typical tortured person horror, with a slight twist; it's fucking sweet.  This isn't Hostel, Saw, or any of the overdone maniacal torture porn "horrors."  It story bases around a high school teen that gets asked to "The Dance" by a pretty but shy girl (Lola).  He has a girlfriend though, so he says no.  Bad idea, dude.  He gets kidnapped and taken into a house far away where he gets forced to do whatever Lola says.  In this instance, she puts on "The Dance" for him, her father, and her not quite dead mother.  And it's just awkward as hell.  This movie is not for the squeamish, and I don't think I've ever said that in my life.  It gets pretty graphic in parts, and is just downright scary in others.
        I guess the thing that I liked about this movie was the fact that it wasn't over the top.  Like I said earlier, it isn't Hostel.  There's no big premise about this movie, no big turning point, no crazy ending or twist.  But don't think you won't get taken for a God damn ride.  89/100